ABOUT THIS INTERVIEW:

According to Dr. Condoleezza Rice, we have to bring the fight to the terrorists, because they won't come to us. We have to find them, and even though we do not know where they live or who they are, I guess that doesn't matter. Take Madrid for example.

Now who the hell put those bombs on those trains? They just released the Algerian they arrested, who knows who did it? We thought we would ask Dr. Condoleezza Rice, because; How can we take the fight to the terrorists, when we do not know who or where they are?

Where is Osama Bin Laden? Who brought the fight to us, and murdered American citizens, using Anthrax? If anybody has the answer, it is Dr. Condoleezza Rice. We do not have the intelligence or the resources that Dr. Condoleezza Rice will invariably refuse to disclose, because when it's in the National Security Interest, you have to beg, lie, cheat, borrow and steal, or you can tell the truth.

NSNEWS: It's a very great pleasure for us this evening to say hello to an up-and-coming terrorist fighter, Dr. Condoleezza Rice.

RICE: "Hello, it's good to be here."

NSNEWS: "What do you do to combat terrorism?"

RICE: "We are bringing the fight to the terrorists and making their world smaller and smaller and smaller... "

NSNEWS: "According to Pakistani officials, Ayman al-Zawahiri, may be holed up, just like Saddam Hussein. Will it be good for the war against terrorism if he is caught?"

RICE: "It doesn't really matter you know."

NSNEWS: "What do you mean?"

RICE: "Terrorism is like a hydra with many heads. If any of the heads are severed another will grow in its place."

NSNEWS: "So how do you plan to defeat terrorism?"

RICE: "Like the President said, this is going to take years."

NSNEWS: "How many years?"

RICE: "Many, many, many years."

NSNEWS: "Do you have to be so specific?""

RICE: "The President said it's going to take years and the President has been right so far."

NSNEWS: "Cut the phony baloney, Rice a Roni, you know you wrote the damned script, are you NSC staffers all full of shit?"

RICE: "Well, what do you mean?"

NSNEWS: "Ms. Rice, you Republican National Security Advisers have a very shady past, does it go with the territory?"

RICE: "I have a bachelor's degree in political science, cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa, from the University of Denver, a master's from the University of Notre Dame and a Ph.D. from the Graduate School of International Studies at the University of Denver."

NSNEWS: "Right, but who does all the work, is it still Oliver North and John Poindexter? "

RICE: "No way hozay !"

NSNEWS: "Ms. Rice, if Oliver North can run an enterprise out of the White House basement, he can do just as well from a penthouse suite with a modem, don't you think?"

RICE: "And a mouse."

NSNEWS: "I beg your pardon?"

(giggles)

NSNEWS: (comic voice) "Did you say he would need a modem AND a mouse?"

RICE: "That is correct."

NSNEWS: "I'll be damned, you're thorough."

(laughter)

RICE: "That's why I chose the intelligence business.

NSNEWS: "Well, umm... it certainly didn't choose you. Now Oliver North created quite a splash as a member of Reagan's National Security Council, is he still running the show, Ms. Rice?"

RICE: "That was then, this is now..."

NSNEWS: "People like North shift loyalties they don't change. As a matter of fact, North was embedded with U.S. troops in Iraq, where his helicopter was struck by enemy fire and he witnessed some of the first American casualties of the war, did you know that Ms. Rice? "

RICE: "The President only mentioned David Bloom. "

NSNEWS: "That's because he was an intelligent reporter, the war forever changed him, and that was before he was permanently silenced. Is North still running a secret government, Ms. Rice?"

RICE: "I don't know."

NSNEWS: "Isn't it your job to know? Has Oliver North said anything about the Madrid bombings? "

RICE: (chuckles) "No."

NSNEWS: "Then he's running a secret government. "

RICE: "And how did you get from A to Z?"

NSNEWS: "Do you know what Oliver North said about Abu Nidal, in 1987, when he was asked 'And what do you recommend we do about him?' "

RICE: "What?"

NSNEWS: (surprised) Oliver North said, "If it were me I would recommend an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth."

RICE: "Yes."

NSNEWS: "Is that our current policy?"

RICE: "Yes. So far, yes."

NSNEWS: "And how would that policy work against somebody like Abu Nidal?"

RICE: "What do you mean?"

NSNEWS: "What I mean Ms. Rice is that these terrorists change sides so often, you never know who they're working for. In 1991, one of the PLO's highest officers, Salah Khalaf, was killed in Tunis by Abu Nidal's men. "

RICE: "That's good."

NSNEWS: "My point is, the best way to catch terrorists is to cooperate with all nations. Whose side is Osama Bin Laden on now? These terrorists evidently do not have any loyalty, they switch sides all the time, so how can we possibly know who they are targeting or why? "

RICE: "It doesn't matter. If we get him, somebody will take his place. "

NSNEWS: "In other words, you don't care whether Osama Bin Laden is friend or foe, as long as we have a full employment act for pundits who call themselves terrorism experts, is that what you are saying?"

RICE: "Interesting twist"

NSNEWS: "It's not a twist, it's your insanity. You have absolutely no idea how to win a war against terrorism, so you propose a war without end. Isn't that lunacy?"

RICE: "Not if George Bush is the war President."

NSNEWS: "What would you say if Gore was in office and there was no war."

RICE: "You see what I mean, Democrats are soft on terrorism. "

NSNEWS: "I think I am beginning to get the picture. But George Bush is clearly not a war President. George Bush caused the war, and somehow, calling George Bush the war President, is supposed to make us think that you know what the hell you are talking about. "

RICE: "Fuck you."

NSNEWS: "Thank You Ms. Rice. That's the best suggestion you have made, all evening. We have been speaking to National Security Adviser, Condaleesa Rice, and I hope you can join us next week, when we won't be speaking, to Oliver North and to John Poindexter, private citizens who do not officially work for the Federal Government.

RICE: "That was then."

NSNEWS: "Final question Ms. Rice. Where was John Poindexter and Oliver North, during the Madrid bombings?"

RICE: "I don't know."

NSNEWS: "Do you have any idea what they were doing?"

RICE: "I don't know."

NSNEWS: "Ms. Rice, perhaps you and George Bush are just the mouthpieces of Oliver North's policy, have you thought about that? This has been an nsnews presentation. Thank you and good night."